And the Grief Goes On...

Tom, Diane and I thought it would be a nice idea to continue to meet on the same evening for awhile.  We weren’t quite ready to give each other up.  There is a restaurant in the area that is easy access to the Beltway.  The Grief Group continued to meet at Grevey’s.  Yes, I know it so corny but true.

We met about four weeks in a row after the grief group ended.  Tom and Diane told me that they were dating the first week we met at the restaurant.  I told them that I saw the way Tom looked up at Diane at that first meeting and I wasn’t surprised at all.  Tom’s girls were having a hard time dealing with the thought of their dad dating but Tom said they were all grown and had lives and he wanted one too.  I was very happy for them, a little jealous but happy.

It wasn’t long before they called to tell me they were getting married.  They invited the group to Tom’s for a barbecue and made the announcement.  It was encouraging to be able to celebrate their decision.

It would have been sweet to be swept off my feet by someone but I wasn’t quite ready to think in those terms.  I had two young boys and I would need to figure many things out before I went down that road.

It was terrific to hear the updates from our friends as time passed.  One man in his seventies was busy playing Senior League Baseball.  He was having an awesome time.  Another gentleman who was really struggling during the official meetings had decided to take a car trip to Florida to visit friends.  He had made the plan and was getting ready to leave soon.  Tom had retired and was planning on spending loads of time with Diane and Diane was shutting down her organization that she had worked on with her husband, Dan..  It was a school reform organization and she realized it was time to let go.

The barbecue was a type of send off party.  I saw Tom and Diane once after that; we enjoyed a dinner together in the summer before school started. Then Tom had to have surgery on his back and he was laid up for quite a bit.  We fell out of touch after awhile.

These were “little while friends” who had played an important role in the healing of my heart.  We had touched each other with our stories and our compassion but in the end, we were meant to return to our lives.

Good Grief ???

I decided in February to attend a grief group sponsored by the local hospital system.  Life with Cancer was the program at the hospital that helped when Rick was admitted to the oncology ward.  The grief group was for anyone who had lost a loved-one to cancer; it was eight weeks long and was moderated by a person who had been through the process before.

Good Grief for Adults, 8-week series
Join with others who have experienced the loss of a loved one with

cancer within the past two years to discuss and explore the grieving

 process, accepting and expressing emotions, dealing with children,

family and friends, role and lifestyle changes and coping with special

 dates.

It was a strange experience to walk into a room of people who had all lost someone.  Most of the people in the room were over 60 and had lost spouses.  A man and woman in their twenties had lost a parent and about ten of us were widowed.

When I came in the room there were only a few people that had arrived.  A very tall gentleman walked in at the same time and we sat down at the table and chit chatted while we waited to begin. 

Tom had also been widowed; his wife had died in March the year before. Tom was Catholic and Irish just like me; he was friendly and talking with him put me at ease. We exchanged some details of our losses and then the meeting began.

Megan, the moderator introduced herself and told the short story of her being widowed and how she had attended this group as a participant.  She then invited us to go around the room and share our names and quick story.

I always felt that I was quite fortunate in my circumstances.  Yes, Rick was dead and I had two children but I had two children, my reason for getting up in the morning, my reason for living, my reason for being happy with whatever God brought me next.  I sat listening to these people and my heart broke for them.  Many described their loneliness, their depression, their emptiness; I found it difficult to keep from crying right along with them.

Diane walked into the meeting late; I saw Tom look at her as she walked in the room.  She apologized for being late and sat down and joined in with introducing herself and then the meeting continued.  Diane talked about her husband who had suffered from cancer for three years who had only died in December.

I went last and told them about Rick’s cancer and quick death.  They were all horrified that I had two young children.  Several of them said how hard it must be caring for the boys alone. I was quick to tell them that my loss was a loss, no greater or less than theirs; each a huge burden that left a gaping hole in our lives.  Hearing how others coped with their loss made me look at my loss in a different way.

My mother used to always say, “It could always be worse!”  Live examples of that were sitting right across from me at the table. 

My mind was stirred by all the talk and discussion of those we lost.  We did one writing activity before we left and that was to make a list of five things we wanted to accomplish in the next five years.  We wrote them to ourselves and didn’t have to share them but the idea was to set some goals for our future.  As I sat there writing, I thought the list was a little out there.  Then, we were given exercises to complete and return at the next session.