Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Angel of the Night

Many people asked me, "Aren’t you mad at God?"  I really wasn’t. They asked, “Don’t you ever think, why me?"  I'd say, “No, actually I think, why not me?” We weren’t promised the easy life, just life with all its ups and downs.

I always thought that I had control of my life.  The reality of life is that we have no control.  When something like this happens, it feels as if life is out of control. Surreal is the only word to describe it. I felt like I was in an episode of the “Twilight Zone”.  I was alone walking in a world that didn’t seem to get that everything was wrong. My husband is dying and nobody seems to care.  Why doesn’t the world stop?  Why does everything continue? DON'T YOU KNOW MY HUSBAND’S DYING!!!  

The first night that Rick received his chemo treatment, I was with him.  We were both frightened. A Philippine nurse came in with the bag of chemo IV with the poison in it.  It was a lovely setup.  I was not particularly thrilled to see the poisonous/hazardous labels all over the bag.  Okay, poison will save my husband? There didn’t seem to be logic in that.  

The nurse was very pleasant and explained how the infusion would happen and what Rick could expect.  It was about 10 p.m. and the lights in the room had been turned down and she busily got all the paraphernalia ready.  In a soft voice, she explained that she was a Christian and part of a nurses’ prayer group.  Each time she hooked up a patient, she silently prayed for the healing of the patient.  She told Rick that the group would continue to pray for him each time they met. 

As she hung the bag, she began her prayer, silently and we could hear the clicks and drips and the beeps on the machine.  The fear flowed out of me. In the horror of our life, here was an angel.  I don't remember her name but I do remember the calmness that filled my heart while she was there.  I recall her kindness, soft touch and gentle manner.  Rick and I were soothed by her.  God was with us, even in this nightmare. 

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