Sailing Solo

A song played constantly in my head that summer, Lee Ann Womack's, I Hope You Dance . Every time I heard it or sang along with it. I was reminded that my life was going to be what I made of it.  I didn't want to get down the road and look back and wish for something else. Who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone?

When I hear that song now, it takes me to driving back and forth out on my own.  I had been shy and awkward about life; I wasn't going to be that way anymore.  I was like a snowball pushed down a hill, growing in experience and force.  Once I got started making choices for myself, I felt empowered.  It was thrilling to be able to reinvent me.

Being alone was okay but I didn't want this for my future.  I liked sharing my life with someone.  Nothing was going to bring Rick back but the future was mine.  A friend told me, "If it's to be, it's up to me." I tried to live that statement..  I was ready to greet life. Things that seemed like challenges before just seemed small in comparison to what I had been through.

I sailed alone frequently during the end of that summer.  I loved it.  The power of the wind on blustery days was invigorating.  I loved when the boat heeled and cut through the water.  I leaned back and held the mainsheet (line or rope) and tiller, my body leaning against the opposite side to counterbalance the tilt of the boat.  Even alone, I wasn't afraid.  I was a new Jane.