I Choose to Remember...

I kept the survival count going and by Halloween the weather was turning cold but I pressed on.  We went to Karen’s and Paul’s house as we always did for Halloween.  It was a tradition since Jack was little.  We drove over the neighborhood and walk the streets with Michael; we never really went that far.

Jack was off with Matt and Christine scouring the neighborhood for every last drop of candy they could manage.  When they would finish, Jack and Mike and I headed home.  It wasn’t too bad handing out candy in our neighborhood; we never really had that much traffic.

It was sad to be without Rick but each day and each holiday brought us closer to the first year being behind us.  Before we knew it, Thanksgiving was upon us.  It was odd to be there because we felt the hole that was left but it was also good to be with Rick’s family.

For my boys, it was the normalcy of cousins and “hide and seek” and running around the house and in and out that made it a good day.  Listening to their uncles and aunts talk about their dad was what the day was for. Who else but the Roszels could fill the void a bit with memories and love?

Paul gave his mom a photo of Rick and him, standing together outside our hous,e which she hung in the dining room/family room.  I may have even taken the picture. It was not my favorite; his face was swelled from the steroids and he looked pale.  Paul loved it because it was of the two of them and rare because Rick didn’t want his photo taken at all while he was sick.

I’ve grown accustomed to the photo after all these years.  It was not the way I chose to remember Rick and it was not the way I wanted Jack and Michael to remember their dad.  The picture showed Cancer winning.  I will always remember him as that big, tall, strong, handsome man with crystal blue eyes and the perfect smile with that gentle, loving way of his.